Paternity

I’m reading a book, “Inheritance: A Memoir of Genealogy, Paternity, and Love,” by Dani Shapiro. In a nutshell, the book is about the author’s discovery of her biological father through DNA testing.

[Spoiler alert]

On page 200, she posed questions about those donor-conceived children, like herself, who did not know their own origins:

How was it possible that I knew something so fundamental about them that they didn’t know themselves? How could the parents believe this was for the best?

Those questions gave me pause; I stopped reading. During my own genealogy research, I discovered the biological father of my half-brother, J. No DNA testing confirmed this discovery, but I had enough information (a courthouse record and family member corroboration) to be reasonably sure that I was correct. So, now I know this, but he does not. On top of that, his “real” father died soon after I discovered this information.

So, what to do? I don’t feel comfortable having this information, when my brother does not. However, he himself referred to this man as his “sperm donor,” nothing more. And of course my father raised J. as his own son, although there was conflict between them over the years. Complicating matters is the fact that our late mother did not reveal the identity of J’s biological father; it’s my understanding that she only told J. that my Dad was not his Dad (when that revelation occurred is fuzzy). Was my mother unwilling to reveal his name because of shame? Because of Catholic guilt? She may have been pressured to give up her illegitimate child for adoption (as the story goes). She told me the facts (but not his identity) when I was in my teens … it seems like she had to tell someone in her immediate family, even though I was confused at becoming her confidant (defined as ‘one to whom secrets are entrusted’).

No one else in the family revealed his biological father’s name, either, although I think my brother had the right to learn such a significant aspect of his own identity! In some weird twist of fate, my own father met J’s bio-dad in the hospital when my mom was giving birth to my younger sister in 1971, as his wife was also there for the same reason! If I remember the story correctly, my mom pointed him out to my father, saying, “that’s him.” I don’t know how my father reacted to that identification, or even if words were exchanged between the two fathers.

Update: Sometime after our Dad died in 2022, the only father that J. ever knew, a serendipitous event occurred. I had scanned in some old family photos, including one of my mother at a high school dance with her date, which I shared with my siblings. My brother mused aloud about whether he was his father. It was the perfect opening. I told him no, but that I had discovered his biological father’s identity while doing my genealogical research. He asked for his name, so I told him. He said that out of respect to Dad, he hadn’t wanted to pursue his true paternity until after he was gone. I was relieved that the family secret was finally revealed in full to the person to whom it mattered the most.